Fait Accompli

It is said that if a koi succeeded in battling up the Yellow River and then climbing the last waterfall at a point called Dragon's Gate, it would transform into a dragon.

How does one even begin to describe this?

It was like a bad relationship that you couldn't get out off.

A mad and sordid love affair.

A really bad drug habit.

I am not saying that this was how it was for everyone, but this was how it was for me.

You see, it was against my nature to study. I was not a koi fish, I was more like a cat. Teaching a cat how to swim would have been a noteworthy act in itself, but making it go up a river was another thing. You could try, but it would take a hell of a lot of time. Like the cat was to water, I didn't have a natural affinity for books.

Before you start reading this, if you please, forgive the drama.

I remember that I entered this mad race as a choice, a right of passage, if you will.

Little did I know that it would become this long and protracted war of attrition with myself.

They said that you find God in law school, but they forgot to tell me that you might lose him there too. It is where you learn that you could only find God during the darkest of hours.

Because in law school, you lose your faith a thousand times, but you will have to gain it back a thousand and one more.

It is where you learn more about your indomitable spirit than the letter of the law. Where you scrutinize, criticize and dissect every bit of yourself just to find out what the hell went wrong.

It is where you break yourself and start from scratch each and every day. Where you burn out long before the battle is over. Where you concede again and again and then pick yourself up within the span of one freakin' hour. And after all that, you would have to wring your being for what little strength you have left to move forward.

It is where you grow callused and bruised and tattered and old.

And I do feel very very old.

I had to lose and rebuild myself in law school.

But do not get me wrong. It wasn't all that bad.

Every heartache made success even more luscious and palpable and sweet.

Every disappointment made you stronger and more capable .

And without even noticing it, you become someone who is so far from where you started.

That was law school for me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am better now.

I am stronger. The best swimming cat around.

And now it is done.

I have finished that which I have branded, a million times over, as something that I will never be able to finish. It means that all those years spent will never and did not go to waste. It amounted to something.

I have crossed the Yellow River.

And even though this last waterfall seems like a deep unfathomable chasm,

I am ready to take it on and move all in.

They say that it is only at the precipice that we find the courage to change.

Trenta

Grabe. Tatlong dekada na pala akong nabubuhay sa mundo.

Tatlong dekada na pala ang lumipas simula nang namboso si kuya ng nurse sa ospital habang nanganganak ang nanay ko.

Tatlong dekada na rin pala akong palutang-lutang na parang pulang lobong walang pupuntahan.

'Di ba yung trenta ay edad ng mga mamang nag-iinuman sa kanto? Dapat ba nagsusuot na rin ako ng polo na nakabukas at mapula ang dibdib ta's amoy alak?

Well, nakapagbayad naman na ako ng income tax kahit papaano. Hindi naman ako siguro katulad nila.

Madami-dami na rin pala akong napangarap sa buhay--doctor, engineer, titser--at meron din na panahon na pinangarap kong maging tambay. At least 'yun natupad nang sandali.

Nangarap din nga pala akong maging journalist, alam niyo ba 'yun? Natapos ko naman 'yung kurso, kaya lang nung nag-apply ako, no takers--going once, going twice--fine. 'di 'wag. Napakaganda naman kasi ng transcript ko--puro palakol. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na tinitingnan pala 'yun pag nag-a-apply. Sayang, kung natuloy 'yun eh di makikita ko sana ang sarili ko sa TV, sa gitna ng bagyo o 'di kaya sa gitna ng mga nagbabatuhan sa rally sa Mendiola. Ta's sasabihin ko, "Eto po si [insert name here], nag-uulat!

Astig sana 'yun.

Gusto ko rin sana maging sundalo--first love ko talaga 'yun. Kaya lang sabi ng tatay ko ayos na ang may isang sundalo sa pamilya. OK lang, ayoko rin namang umitim.

Madami-dami na rin pala akong pinangarap. Madami-dami na rin and hindi natupad. Para pala akong pulitiko.

Naalala ko nung bata ako, dinala ako ng nanay ko dun sa bumbay sa Session Road, sa Tiongsan ata yun. Tiningnan ng bumbay 'yung noo ko, sabi niya marunong daw ako. Naniwala naman ang nanay ko. Malay ko ba kung gusto lang makabenta kaya nya sinabi 'yun. Siguro, kung tiningnan niya yung flipside ng noo ko, i.e., batok, eh malamang sinabi niya na "Ay kaya lang may katamaran pala. Sorry."

Naalala ko rin noong inangat nila ako from prep to kinder, advanced daw kasi ako. Hindi lang siguro nila na-realize na puro SPED lang talaga 'yung mga kaklase ko, at ako, normal lang. Kung alam ko lang na sa edad na trenta anyos eh nag-aaral pa rin ako, sana tinodo ko na 'yung pag-aadvance para quits-quits lang, 'di ba?

Pero 'wag kayo masyado mag-alala. Meron naman akong isa pang pangarap at medyo mukha namang matutupad. Sana, hopefully, sa awa ng Diyos ay maging abugado na ako. Apparently, okey lang ang dalawang abugado sa pamilya--sundalo, bawal.

Sana talaga pumasa ako para pwede ko nang tawagin ang sarili ko na "a respectable member of society." Maganda kasing pakinggan eh.

Naalala niyo ba dati nung tinatanong tayo na "What do you want to be when you grow up?" tapos sasagot ka ng "astronaut!" Eh kung alam ko lang na ganito pala ang kahihinatnan ko, sana sinabi ko na lang na "Aba, malay ko."

Pero sana, sana talaga, eto na yun. Eto na yung isasagot ko sa "What I want to be when I grow up" na matutupad. Kaya lang grown-up na pala ako. OK lang. At least, malapit-lapit na mangyari.

Trenta na pala ako. Bad trip ang tanda ko na.

As the midnight breeze puddles in my thoughts

I am reborn.

my piedra

Sometimes I search for words that would evoke a melancholy tone to my days. I search for words to roll over my tongue again and again till I commit to memory every niche of the piece-until it's effect on me wears out and I grow tired of it. I do not know why I do this, maybe It's the summer heat that compels me, maybe it's just the way I am.

Paulo Coehlo gave me one such tone- a gift of grief and closure.

I would like to share with you this masterpiece of his. It is, well, let's just say, a snippet of brilliance - it's the only part of the book that I enjoyed. I do not know why this part grew out to be so different from the rest of the work. All I know is that it is the first chapter of the book and it is beautiful to the tongue.

"By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the waters of this river--leaves, insects, the feathers of birds--is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.

By the River Piedra I sat down and wept. The winter air chills the tears on my cheeks, and my tears fall into the cold waters that course past me. Somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until--far from my heart and sight--all of them merge with the sea.

May my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for her. May my tears run just as far, that I might forget the River Piedra, the monastery, the church in the Pyrenees, the mists, and the paths we walked together.

I shall forget the roads, the mountains, and the fields of my dreams--the dreams that will never come true.

I remember my "magic moment"--that instant when a "yes" or a "no" can change one's life forever. It seems so long ago now. It is hard to believe that it was only last week that I had found my love once again, and then lost her.

I am writing this story on the bank of the River Piedra. My hands are freezing, my legs are numb, and every minute I want to stop.

"Seek to live. Remembrance is for the old," she said.

Perhaps love makes us old before our time--or young, if youth has passed. But how can I not recall those moments? That is why I write--to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance. So that when I finish telling myself the story, I can toss it into the Piedra. That's what the woman who has given me shelter told me to do. Only then--in the words of one of the saints--will the water extinguish what the flames have written.

All love stories are the same."

Here's a picture of my cat.